?

Log in

No account? Create an account

[icon] It seems as though much has changed. Just as i had predicted it… - On the Way Back I slip On the Ceiling
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.

Security:
Time:08:49 am
It seems as though much has changed.
Just as i had predicted it would.
Although, i didn't predict for it to change like it has.

I remember just a year ago, possibly more, i was writing about how unliveable this house was.
This house is unliveable.
I regret my decision on living at home, even though i honestly do feel as though it was supposed to be the right decision.
My parents have completely ruined everything.
In my life, i have never really blamed them for anything. I can't say every time, but a majority of the time i took full resposibility or blame rather, for everything.
But it's not like that this time at all. Everything is their fault, and i have never been more confused, or frustrated and hurt, and confused again in my entire life.

During these next four years, where does one draw the line between independence and dependence;
Between being an adolescence, and a young adult, or an adult in full?
Is there such a line?
Or do we just get thrown into this world in four years as nothing more than mere children, and suddenly we become adults?
Is that why it's supposed to be such a big shock when we go into the "real world."
I don't know if many people have experienced such confusion, since most of you are away at school and you don't have your parents around you on a consistent basis.
Maybe you will know when I'm talking about when you return home for thanksgiving or something of the like....
Or maybe because your parents aren't maniacs, you won't. Luckily - and i hope you realize that.

My situation is rather simple i suppose.
I decided to live at home on account that my school (CCSU) it 15 minutes away, 
And it costs so incredibly much ($7000 just to live on campus, when it only costs about &6,000+ to go there) to live there on top of tuition.
Plus, i have this huge issue with things changing around me, and i don't really handle it well.
I didn't want to fall into another mental breakdown such as I did last year, and the year before that.
I thought having home would be a safe-place basically, but not in a way that i was stuck here or anything.
When i brought this up to my parents last year, i explained to them that i was scared that it wouldn't work because they would keep the same restrictions on me like high school.
They promised me that it would not be that way. They stated it would be like i was Nick, and i could basically come and go as i please, etc.
Treat the home like my dorm basically, i would assume.

Now we fast forward a summer, and a month of college.
And here we are, with all the promises completely broken.
My parents are trying to literally run my life, and it's scaring the hell out of me.
They have to know where i am ever second. Everyday i have to leave an agenda of my day.
If i go somewhere, such as the bank, and i leave it out of the note and they find out, i get screamed at.
I was grounded 2 weekends ago for coming in during the week day past 10. It was 10:30 and i didnt have class til 1230 the next day.
I have been spending time at central, but then i leave around 8 or 9 because everyone goes and drinks, and i dont want to be a part of it.
Usually i go to mikes from 8-10. We do homework together.
I'm now being told that i shouldn't be going anywhere during weekdays.
Even though in all my classes right now i'm ahead, and i have an A in each class.
I do all my chores still. I clean the house every friday for my mom. My room is always spotless.
I'm practically a poster child for sucking up, but i'm not even doing that. I'm trying to show that i'm mature. i have done these things just because it's the right thing to do.
So why is everything being taken away from me? Why are they ruining everything they possibly can?
Is it so weird to want to see your friends, and your boyfriend, and go to school all in one day?
I usually try to be home for dinner as well, so i can be around my parents. But all we do is pull out the tv trays and watch television and i'm shh'd everytime i try to talk.
I have told them i want to eat at the table, but it never happens and there is no reason for it.

I understand my parents, i really really do.
But i feel like i deserve my independence. If i was away at school they would never see me, and they would never know what i was doing.
I don't know if i'm being completely ridiculous, my brother says i'm not and that i'm completely justified.
I want to live away, but my mom is making me feel guilty about it.
She threatened to make me pay my way through college. In a serious matter, not in a 'im saying this because im angry' way.
But i think i would come home on my own if i did that.
But i dont really want to live on campus- not in a prissy way, but it's just strange to be so so so close. And i dont really like the people that i am around at school. 
All anyone talks about is alcohol. Is it still really that cool?
And i dont like the stories i have been hearing either.
In my perfect world i would live in an apartment, possibly with someone, maybe not. But then it would be really expensive, alone.
But supposedly it's cheaper than room and board.
Anyone want to live with me?

All i know is i have never been so miserable in this house. I need to figure something out. 

I need to know i'm not crazy for how i feel.

I don't know when things got so hard.
comments: Leave a comment Previous Entry Share Next Entry


lapadrona
Link:(Link)
Time:2006-09-26 02:59 pm (UTC)
let's make a deal.
if i don't get into uconn for the spring semester, we'll get an apartment somewhere between uhart and central.
(Reply) (Thread)


breakingtheskin
Link:(Link)
Time:2006-09-26 03:24 pm (UTC)
except you are going to get into uconn.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

[icon] It seems as though much has changed. Just as i had predicted it… - On the Way Back I slip On the Ceiling
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.