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Time:12:44 am
high school was so fucking weird.
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Time:08:49 am
It seems as though much has changed.
Just as i had predicted it would.
Although, i didn't predict for it to change like it has.

I remember just a year ago, possibly more, i was writing about how unliveable this house was.
This house is unliveable.
I regret my decision on living at home, even though i honestly do feel as though it was supposed to be the right decision.
My parents have completely ruined everything.
In my life, i have never really blamed them for anything. I can't say every time, but a majority of the time i took full resposibility or blame rather, for everything.
But it's not like that this time at all. Everything is their fault, and i have never been more confused, or frustrated and hurt, and confused again in my entire life.

During these next four years, where does one draw the line between independence and dependence;
Between being an adolescence, and a young adult, or an adult in full?
Is there such a line?
Or do we just get thrown into this world in four years as nothing more than mere children, and suddenly we become adults?
Is that why it's supposed to be such a big shock when we go into the "real world."
I don't know if many people have experienced such confusion, since most of you are away at school and you don't have your parents around you on a consistent basis.
Maybe you will know when I'm talking about when you return home for thanksgiving or something of the like....
Or maybe because your parents aren't maniacs, you won't. Luckily - and i hope you realize that.

My situation is rather simple i suppose.
I decided to live at home on account that my school (CCSU) it 15 minutes away, 
And it costs so incredibly much ($7000 just to live on campus, when it only costs about &6,000+ to go there) to live there on top of tuition.
Plus, i have this huge issue with things changing around me, and i don't really handle it well.
I didn't want to fall into another mental breakdown such as I did last year, and the year before that.
I thought having home would be a safe-place basically, but not in a way that i was stuck here or anything.
When i brought this up to my parents last year, i explained to them that i was scared that it wouldn't work because they would keep the same restrictions on me like high school.
They promised me that it would not be that way. They stated it would be like i was Nick, and i could basically come and go as i please, etc.
Treat the home like my dorm basically, i would assume.

Now we fast forward a summer, and a month of college.
And here we are, with all the promises completely broken.
My parents are trying to literally run my life, and it's scaring the hell out of me.
They have to know where i am ever second. Everyday i have to leave an agenda of my day.
If i go somewhere, such as the bank, and i leave it out of the note and they find out, i get screamed at.
I was grounded 2 weekends ago for coming in during the week day past 10. It was 10:30 and i didnt have class til 1230 the next day.
I have been spending time at central, but then i leave around 8 or 9 because everyone goes and drinks, and i dont want to be a part of it.
Usually i go to mikes from 8-10. We do homework together.
I'm now being told that i shouldn't be going anywhere during weekdays.
Even though in all my classes right now i'm ahead, and i have an A in each class.
I do all my chores still. I clean the house every friday for my mom. My room is always spotless.
I'm practically a poster child for sucking up, but i'm not even doing that. I'm trying to show that i'm mature. i have done these things just because it's the right thing to do.
So why is everything being taken away from me? Why are they ruining everything they possibly can?
Is it so weird to want to see your friends, and your boyfriend, and go to school all in one day?
I usually try to be home for dinner as well, so i can be around my parents. But all we do is pull out the tv trays and watch television and i'm shh'd everytime i try to talk.
I have told them i want to eat at the table, but it never happens and there is no reason for it.

I understand my parents, i really really do.
But i feel like i deserve my independence. If i was away at school they would never see me, and they would never know what i was doing.
I don't know if i'm being completely ridiculous, my brother says i'm not and that i'm completely justified.
I want to live away, but my mom is making me feel guilty about it.
She threatened to make me pay my way through college. In a serious matter, not in a 'im saying this because im angry' way.
But i think i would come home on my own if i did that.
But i dont really want to live on campus- not in a prissy way, but it's just strange to be so so so close. And i dont really like the people that i am around at school. 
All anyone talks about is alcohol. Is it still really that cool?
And i dont like the stories i have been hearing either.
In my perfect world i would live in an apartment, possibly with someone, maybe not. But then it would be really expensive, alone.
But supposedly it's cheaper than room and board.
Anyone want to live with me?

All i know is i have never been so miserable in this house. I need to figure something out. 

I need to know i'm not crazy for how i feel.

I don't know when things got so hard.
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Time:09:05 am

The summer has flown by; faster than usual, in my opinion. It seems like everything is still the same, but I know that everything is completely changed. Nonetheless it still feels as though I will be getting in my car at 630 in the morning, tired as all hell, wasting gas by driving up 372 and then back down again. Then rushing to dunkin, medium eh let's go large hazelnut coffee, light and sweet. Peeling out of the parking lot, and off to school street. Waiting in god awful traffic, finding a parking spot, and finally walking into those halls that I have become so familiar with. I hold onto that school, so deeply. It's amazing how much one can experience in four short years- It's so much...so much life is within those halls, and so many memories. Good and bad, but it was life; it was my life. And now, i have to make a new life for myself, in a new school that is not so welcoming. I'm scared. But i know everyone is, i think. Or so i hope rather.

As much as i know everything has changed, thing are still so much the same. I am still at home, although a lot at home has changed. Drastically, in fact, but for the better. Since I'm at home, I'm obviously still in Berlin. A town that i have come to appreciate more than i ever thought i would. I know it has a persona that virtually forces a person to want to get the hell out, but when it comes down to it you never want to leave. And when you have to do so, it's probably the scariest thing that one could venture oneself to do. Who wouldn't love this town? It's beautiful, it's obnoxious, it's home.

Maybe not so much is the same anymore. I probably love this town so much because it's where i have found the love of my life. And seriously, the love of my life. He is the real thing, and it amazes me everyday to be looking at the person that i am going to live with, and marry, and have babies with, and grow old with. It amazes me that i have found him, that i have been given him. I don't know what i did to deserve him, but i thank God that i did something right. i don't really think he can comprehend how blessed i am for having him in my life, although i try to show and tell him everyday. He single handingly changed my life for the better. I like to think that i helped myself through all my problems. The depression, which i still have no real known reason for the cause, the self-loathing, the self injury, the feeling of no self worth. I really like to think that i made all of that better, and a part of me knows that i did. I was independent, as always, and got myself help. And i got over a lot of things that i needed to, but the other part of me knows that he has had a huge impact on me. There are days that i really question what kind of person i am, and if i'm really vital to this world- and i can't always answer these questions positively, but he is always tehre to hold my hand, and make me feel good. I have never shown my real self to anyone more than i ever have with him, i have never been more scared to do so either. But God does he take it in stride. i've thrown him everything, told him everything, given him good times, as well as the bad, but he still loves me. He loves me, and everything i am, and more so everything i'm not. He doesnt hold anything against me, and he is so good to me.  i know it will always be him and me. Forever. it's the best gift i could ever ask for. Life and love are good.

Things with friends are different. I'm beginning to think that these seemingly close friendships never really lived up to their titles. Sometimes i feel as if holding onto these friendships means im holding onto the past, and the person that i use to be- the person that they know. I'm not that person anymore. I'm not hurt, well maybe a little, more like a tad bruised. But i don't ever want to be that person again, and i dont want to be known as that person. if that means letting go, then i'll take it. 

Out of everything that this summer has given me, as well as it have taken away from me, I have to say that through out there two ambiguous and lazy months....I have become what i have feared since i left tenth grade. Yes Holden, I am a grown up. Sure, it may not be legal or official save a few months when i turn 18, but it's true. I know it's strange but i'm cooking hamburgers on a grill and i have never felt more like an adult. Preparing my own meal for my self nourishment. And sure, i may have burnt my hand when i picked up the spatula that i left atop the grill, but it happens. Mistakes happen, regrets happen, life happens. Most of the time with out you even realizing it. But if you can take everything that has happened in your life, mush it all together, forget the bad, cherish the good, love what you want, need what you must, want which you desire, remember the past, reminice, forget the past, move on, hope for the future, be scared of the future, remind yourself everything will be okay, live in the moment, foret to live in the moment, and lastly just live, and live well. No scratch that, live good. If you can do all that, then everything will be perfect. I say this becuase i know. Perfect does not mean flawless. It is all of life's imperfections combined with all it's perfections- creating a huge mess of everything you could imagine. But it is life, and life was meant to be lived once, and lived happy. And that's what i'm going to do. There's no going back from here.

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Time:12:59 am
I feel like i should be leaving.

Everything is the same.

   Everything has changed.


I'm beginning to think that the only academic foundation that i have taken away from high school is to know that you shouldn't use the word plethora while writing any paper because for some reason that word is The Word that is used when you are trying to sound smart.

Phew, Life Solved.
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Time:08:02 pm
its good to know.
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Time:11:34 pm
Catherine Disantis
Period 1
May 24, 2006

1. Throughout the entire movie, Josef K is never told what he is being accused guilty for. A guilty act is never physically demonstrated within the movie. Because of this, it is inferred that he is guilty of being human, and virtually living in general. There is a theory that every human is punished for the original sin committed by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Thus, it can also be inferred Josef is being persecuted for the original sin as well. This is because of the imagery found in the beginning of the movie where he eats an apple; simulating the act of sin committed by Adam and Eve.

2. Every character in The Trial considers Josef K to be guilty. The two men who come to Josef’s apartment are the first characters to assume him to be guilty. The only reasoning behind their accusations is because they are told he is guilty. Thus, they believe it. This same reasoning is why almost all of the characters assume Josef to be guilty. They are told so, and choose to believe the accusation.

3. Because every character in The Trial believes Josef K to be guilty, no one asserts his innocence. This includes Josef himself. In the beginning of the film, Josef attempts to question why he is being taken away from his home and being charged. He is never truly assertive with his claim of innocence. This is first shown when he gives into the tow men who come to take him to court. It is then shown at the end of the film when he gives into the same tow men as they take him away to be killed.

4. A victim is a person who cannot find any form of salvation because all odds are against them. A victim is also most likely to make attempts to find salvation, although they may no be successful in the end. Because of this definition, Josef K is not a victim. It is not apparent whether he never had an opportunity to escape simply because he never attempts to do so. Instead he is incredibly passive, and gives in to each of his accusers. In order for Josef K to be considered a victim, he would have had to be more assertive in his personal feeling of innocence, and attempted to go against his accusers.

5. If Josef K's accusers were righteous, they would be considered morally right or justified with the accusations and punishment.  Josef is accused and punished for being human.  This is not a justified reason to murder someone.  If people were to be persecuted because they are human, everyone would need to be persecuted. There is not a person on earth who is not human, and does not commit sin. Thus, Josef K's accusers are not righteous.

6. Josef K’s story would be considered a victory if he had stood up to his accusers. If he had done so, he possible could have convinced them that he was innocent. If he wasn’t able to convince his accusers that he was innocent, his story would have still been considered a victory. This is because he would have been considered a martyr. He would have died for a cause or reasoning that he believed in, and stood up for. Unfortunately, Josef K was extremely passive; thus, his story is a defeat.

7. In the novel The Metamorphosis, Gregor is isolated and alienated by his family when they discover that he is a bug. In the movie The Trial, Josef K is isolated and alienated by all of those that are around him when he is accused of being guilty. The difference between the two is that in the novel, Gregor attempts to be assertive. He does not want his family to continue to alienate him; thus, he tries to remain a part of their lives. In comparison, Josef K does not attempt to change the fact that he is being alienated by everyone around him. Instead, he is passive and gives in to all the accusers.

8. Ivan and Josef are alike because they both claim to be guilty, regardless of the fact that both personally feel that they are innocent. The difference between both characters is that Ivan retains his integrity. He says that he is guilty so that he can survive. After he goes along with the ploy, he enjoys and makes a good life. In comparison, Josef K states that he is guilty because he is passive, and refuses to stand up to his accusers. Because he does no do so, he is killed. Perhaps if he had stood up to his accusers, he could have lived or at least died with dignity.

9. In contemporary America, people are persecuted for who they are every day.  For example, homosexuals are told that their way of life is not right and they should change in order to be alike to everyone else.
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Time:11:45 am
Catherine Disantis
Period 1
May 23, 2006

1. Throughout the entire movie, Josef K is never told what he is being accused guilty for. A guilty act is never physically deomstrated within the movie. Because of this, it is inferred that he is guilty of being human, and virtually living in general. There is a theory that every human is punished for the original sin committed by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Thus, it can also be inferred Josef is being persecuted for the original sin as well. This is because of the imagery found in the beginning of the movie where he eats an apple; simulating the act of sin committed by Adam and Eve.

2. Every character in The Trial considers Josef K to be guilty. The two men who come to Josef’s apartment are the first characters to assume him to be guilty. The only reasoning behind their accusations is because they are told he is guilty. Thus, they believe it. This same reasoning is why almost all of the characters assume Josef to be guilty. They are told so, and choose to believe the accusation.

3. Because every character in The Trial believes Josef K to be guilty, no one asserts his innocence. This includes Josef himself. In the beginning of the film, Josef attempts to question why he is being taken away from his home and being charged. He is never truly assertive with his claim of innocence. This is first shown when he gives into the tow men who come to take him to court. It is then shown at the end of the film when he gives into the same tow men as they take him away to be killed.

4. A victim is a person who cannot find any form of salvation because all odds are against them. A victim is also most likely to make attempts to find salvation, although they may no be successful in the end. Because of this definition, Josef K is not a victim. It is not apparent whether he never had an opportunity to escape simply because he never attempts to do so. Instead he is incredibly passive, and gives in to each of his accusers. In order for Josef K to be considered a victim, he would have had to be more assertive in his personal feeling of innocence, and attempted to go against his accusers.

5. Josef K’s story would be considered a victory if he had stood up to his accusers. If he had done so, he possible could have convinced them that he was innocent. If he wasn’t able to convince his accusers that he was innocent, his story would have still been considered a victory. This is because he would have been considered a martyr. He would have died for a cause or reasoning that he believed in, and stood up for. Unfortunately, Josef K was extremely passive; thus, his story is a defeat.

6. In the novel The Metamorphosis, Gregor is isolated and alienated by his family when they discover that he is a bug. In the movie The Trial, Josef K is isolated and alienated by all of those that are around him when he is accused of being guilty. The difference between the two is that in the novel, Gregor attempts to be assertive. He doesn’t want his family to continue to alienate him; thus, he tries to remain a part of their lives. In comparison, Josef K does not attempt to change the fact that he is being alienated by everyone around him. Instead, he is passive and gives in to the accusations.

7. Ivan and Josef are alike because they both claim to be guilty, regardless of the fact that both personally feel that they are innocent. The difference between both characters is that Ivan retains his integrity. He states that he is guilty so that he can survive
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Time:01:06 pm
hi rosa
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Time:05:45 pm
i want this so bad i could cry
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Time:07:25 pm
i just lost a friendship.
it kind of bothers me.
but not really.
i cant believe it ended over that.
how fucking stupid.
i dont like men at the present moment.


oh and i think this house is going to kill me. im seriously contemplating moving out...no where to go though and no money to do it with. a partime job cant even get me an apartment in a decent place.

i shouldnt have to be thinking about this you fucking asshole.
i hate you.
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